


Candy Coated Twist

by HorseSteppin



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Cannibalism, M/M, Sexist Language
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-05
Updated: 2018-05-05
Packaged: 2019-05-02 08:21:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,078
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14540628
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HorseSteppin/pseuds/HorseSteppin
Summary: On the day of Rose and Kanaya's wedding, Dirk gets an unexpected but entirely unsurprising series of texts from an old acquaintance.





	Candy Coated Twist

undyingUmbrage [uu] began jeering timaeusTestified [TT]

uu: DIRK.  
uu: DIRK.  
uu: DIRK. STOP RUNNING AROUND LIKE AN IDIOT. AND LOOK AT YOUR FUCKING MESSAGES, DIRK.  
\-- timaeusTestified [TT] is now an idle chum! --  
uu: OH MY FUCKING GOD. DIRK.  
TT: What the fuck?  
uu: DIRK.  
TT: What do you want? Make it quick, I'm in the middle of something kind of important.  
uu: BULLSHIT.  
uu: FIRST OF ALL. THERE IS NOTHING MORE IMPORTANT THAN ME. SECOND OF ALL. EVEN IF THERE WAS, THAT THING WOULD NOT BE. WHATEVER IT IS YOU'RE DOING.  
uu: SOME KIND OF BULLSHIT FLOWER PARTY MAYBE? STUPID.  
TT: It's a wedding. Well, the reception anyways. You'd like it I think.  
TT: Didn't you like, have me draw you something to that effect one time, actually? You should know this.  
uu: WAIT. WEDDING.  
uu: IS THIS WHAT A HUMAN WEDDING LOOKS LIKE?  
uu: WHEN THE TROLL SHREW AND THE SUIT BITCH WERE GAZING LOVINGLY INTO EACH OTHERS EYES. AND TENDERLY EXCHANGING SWEET NOTHINGS. BEFORE SHAMELESSLY SHARING A CHASTE KISS IN FRONT OF THOUSANDS.  
TT: Uh, yeah. Not sure about thousands, though.  
uu: THEN YOU ARE CORRECT. I DO LIKE WEDDINGS.  
uu: IT WAS BETTER THAN I COULD HAVE IMAGINED. OR YOU COULD DRAW.  
TT: Hm. I think I'd actually prefer if we discussed literally anything else. Such as, how did you even see any of that?  
uu: WOULDN'T YOU LIKE TO KNOW.  
TT: It's why I asked, yeah.  
uu: SHUT UP. UNIMPORTANT.  
uu: JUST KNOW THAT I HAVE WAYS. WAYS YOU COULDN'T BEGIN TO FATHOM. OR UNDERSTAND. WITH YOUR SHITTY INFERIOR HUMAN BRAIN.  
TT: Didn't you have some stupid tower thing?  
uu: I SAID SHUT UP I HAVE WAYS.  
uu: LET'S DISCUSS LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.  
TT: Alright.  
uu: DIRK.  
TT: Yeah?  
uu: WHAT ARE YOU WEARING RIGHT NOW.  
TT: Silk panties and my best come-hither expression.  
uu: FUCK YOU.  
uu: FOR ONE. I CAN CLEARLY SEE THAT AT LEAST ONE HALF OF THAT STATEMENT IS A LIE.  
uu: AND FOR TWO. YOU HAVE BEEN HANGING AROUND YOUR SHIT AWFUL BROTHER TOO LONG.  
TT: If you can see me, why'd you even ask, then?  
uu: RHETORICAL DIRK.  
uu: THE TRUE INTENT OF MY QUESTION. THE TWIST YOU COULD SAY. WAS NOT FOR YOU TO ACTUALLY ANSWER. IT WAS SIMPLY MEANT TO DRAW ATTENTION TO THE FACT THAT YOU ARE DRESSED NOT UNLIKE A FUCKING IGNORAMUS. AND MAYBE ACHIEVE SOME SHAME WITHIN YOU.  
uu: YOU ATE MY HAG SISTER'S CANDY DIDN'T YOU?  
TT: Another rhetorical question?  
uu: YES. YOU'RE CATCHING ON.  
uu: OF COURSE. LEAVE IT TO HER TO WASTE PERFECTLY GOOD JUJU.  
uu: TELL ME DIRK. AND THIS ONE IS NOT RHETORICAL. DO YOU KNOW THE TRUE PURPOSE OF THAT DELICIOUS CANDY SNACK?  
TT: I dunno. Figured it was just like, Cherub LSD or whatever.  
uu: HA.  
uu: OH DIRK. SWEET. PRECIOUS. SWEET. NAIVE DIRK.  
uu: IF ONLY IT WERE WHATEVER THE FUCK YOU JUST SAID.  
uu: DIRK DO YOU KNOW WHAT A CHERUBS TWO FAVORITE FOODS ARE?  
uu: DIRK.  
uu: STOP TALKING TO THE NUBBY HORNED LOUDMOUTH AND LOOK. AT. YOUR. MESSAGES.  
uu: DIRK YOU ARE KILLING MY BUILDUP.  
uu: OH MY FUCKING GOD!!!!!!!!!!!  
TT: Christ. Chill out, man. He was just asking where the bathroom was.  
uu: DIRK. MY QUESTION.  
TT: Which one? You've been burying me in rhetoric bullshit and inane questions all night, it's kind of hard to keep track. Mostly because I don't really care, and am only like half-paying attention.  
TT: Can I get the abridged version of whatever sinister shit you're trying to pull, on this, the day of my daughter's wedding?  
TT: TIA.  
uu: WHO THE FUCK IS TIA.  
uu: BUT FINE. MY MISTAKE. FOR ASSUMING ANYONE. EVEN YOU. COULD APPRECIATE THE MASTERY WITH WHICH I WEAVE BLOODY TAPESTRIES. BUILD SUSPENSE WITH EACH SCREAMING BRICK. ALLOW YOU TO MARINADE IN FEAR. LIKE MEAT IN ITS OWN SAVORY JUICES.  
TT: Abridged.  
uu: BITE ME.  
uu: NO WAIT. HUMOR ME. HAVE YOU NOTICED THE WAY MY SHITHEAD SISTER HAS BEEN EYEBALLING THE SAUCIEST BITCH?  
TT: You mean Roxy?  
uu: WHATEVER.  
TT: Please tell me you're not about to get weird - or I guess, weirder about your sister.  
uu: FUCK NO.  
uu: BUT HAVE YOU PERHAPS NOTICED. THE HUNGRY LOOK IN MY SISTER'S PUKE GREEN EYES? THE WAY SHE CANNOT TEAR HER HIDEOUS GAZE AWAY FROM THE COTTON CANDY MINX? HOW SHE APPEARS TO BE SECONDS AWAY FROM DROOLING ALL OVER HER STUPID LITTLE SUIT, LIKE THE MORON SHE IS?  
TT: Thought you said you weren't gonna get weird.  
TT: Anyways, don't think that's hunger in her eyes, dude. Or at least not the kind I think you're implying.  
uu: WHAT ELSE COULD IT BE. IF NOT RAVENOUS HUNGER. AFTERALL. AS MUCH AS SHE MAY WISH SHE WAS ANYTHING ELSE. MY SISTER IS A CHERUB FIRST AND FOREMOST.  
uu: EVEN I CAN'T BLAME HER WHEN SURROUNDED BY SUCH DELICACIES AS YOU AND YOUR FRIENDS.  
TT: I guess we're all pretty hot, yeah.  
uu: YOU ARE BEING STUPID ON PURPOSE.  
uu: I KNOW YOU KNOW A CHERUBS FAVORITE FOODS. AND INDEED ONLY FOODS. ARE MEAT AND CANDY. WHICH FUCKING SURPRISE DIRK! IS WHAT YOU CURRENTLY ARE. THAT IS THE TRUE PURPOSE OF THE JUJU. THE CANDY COATED TWIST. TO TURN UNSUSPECTING CHUMPS INTO A SAVORY AND SWEET MISHMASH OF THE ONLY THINGS WORTH EATING.  
uu: IT IS ALSO SUPPOSED TO MAKE THEM HAPPY. TO FRANKLY MORONIC FUCKING LEVELS. SO THAT THEY DO NOT MAKE A FUSS WHEN YOU TEAR OUT THEIR CHERRY FLAVORED THROATS. BUT YOU SEEM TO HAVE SKIPPED THAT PART I GUESS??  
TT: Yeah, I don't know. Never really did much for me other than this funny little costume. Also, goes without saying, but I don't believe a damn word you just said.  
uu: YOUR LOSS.  
uu: BUT MAYBE IT DOESN'T MATTER. MAYBE YOU WERE RIGHT. AND MY HARPY OF A SIBLING REALLY HAS NO INTENTION OF SUCKING THE MARROW OUT OF YOUR SUGARED BONES. MAYBE SHE SHOULD HAVE BEEN HATCHED AS A TROLL. SINCE SHE WAS ALWAYS A POOR EXCUSE FOR A CHERUB. AND A FUCKING IDIOT WHO NEVER KNEW A GOOD OPPORTUNITY WHEN SHE SAW IT.  
uu: A WASTE IF YOU ASK ME. WHAT I WOULDN'T GIVE TO BE DOWN THERE RIGHT NOW. SURROUNDED BY A GAGGLE OF SUGAR HIGH DIPSHITS RIPE FOR THE EATING.  
TT: Christ here we go.  
uu: YES DIRK. HERE WE GO. JOIN ME WON'T YOU. AS I TELL YOU EXACTLY WHAT A PROPER CHERUB WOULD DO, IF PRESENTED WITH SUCH A RARE TREAT.  
TT: Sure, go for it. Party is winding down anyways.  
TT: Tell me how you'd fillet me alive and sprinkle me on your pancakes or whatever the fuck.  
uu: EAGER AREN'T YOU. IN THAT CASE. I BELIEVE IT'S IMPORTANT YOU KNOW THAT I'D SAVE YOU FOR LAST.  
TT: I'm flattered. Go on.  
uu: I'D SAVE YOU FOR LAST. BOTH OUT OF BEGRUDGING RESPECT FOR ANOTHER TOUGH DUDE. AND BECAUSE YOU'RE THE BEST. IN GENERAL AND AS A MEAL. WHILE EVERYONE ELSE WOULD BE GIGGLING THE WHOLE TIME THEIR GUMMY GUTS WERE TORN OUT. YOU WOULD BE QUITE SOBER. YES. QUITE SOBER INDEED.  
uu: YOU'D BE FULLY AWARE OF EVERYTHING I'M DOING TO YOU DIRK. THE SWIPE OF MY CLAWS AS THEY DIG INTO YOUR FRUIT FLAVORED SKIN. AS YOU BLEED YOUR ORANGE SODA BLOOD. FIZZING OUT OF YOUR VEINS AND STAINING YOUR RIDICULOUS PANTS. JUST LIKE WHEN HORRIBLE CLOWNS SNAP THE CAP OFF OF SHITTY CHEAP POP. AND THAT SHIT JUST GETS FUCKING EVERYWHERE.  
uu: THERE WOULD BE NO LAUGHTER. NO GIGGLESNORT BULLSHIT. AS MY TEETH RIP INTO YOUR THROAT. DRINKING FROM YOU. LIKE A BADASS.  
TT: A vampire.  
uu: WHAT.  
TT: A vampire. Hey, quick Q; this is strictly about eating me in the original sense of the word, correct?  
uu: OBVIOUSLY.  
TT: Just making sure. Anyways, you were going all Count Dracala on my neck?  
uu: YES. I WAS DOING THAT. I THINK.  
uu: CHEWING OUT YOUR THROAT. AS MY CLAWS CONTINUE TO TURN YOUR BELLY INTO TASTY RIBBONS. WITH FLESH THREADED BETWEEN MY FINGERS. LIKE A SNAKE. I WOULD BRING IT TO YOUR LIPS AND FEED IT TO YOU.  
uu: HOW DO YOU TASTE DIRK?  
TT: Alright I guess.  
uu: MORE THAN ALRIGHT. YOU ARE DELECTABLE.  
TT: Is that so?  
uu: YES. AND YOU THANK ME FOR THE PRIVILEGE OF ALLOWING YOU TO SHARE IN THIS. AS WELL AS DYING BY MY HANDS.  
uu: BUT I AM NOT DONE WITH YOU DIRK. NO NO NO.  
uu: I WOULD OPEN YOUR MOUTH.  
TT: Would you now.  
uu: YES. STOP SMIRKING. A DYING MAN HAS NO REASON TO SMILE.  
uu: ANYWAYS. I WOULD OPEN YOUR MOUTH. AND COVER IT WITH MY OWN.  
uu: STOP LAUGHING. I'VE NEVER SEEN YOU LAUGH BEFORE. AND YOU SHOULDN'T START NOW. I DON'T LIKE IT.  
uu: IT WOULD BE HARD FOR YOU TO LAUGH WITHOUT A TONGUE. WHICH IS WHAT I WAS GUNNING FOR HERE DIRK. I BITE OUT YOUR TONGUE. WHICH TASTES LIKE CHERRIES AND WARM MEAT. IT IS SO GOOD.  
TT: You like my warm meat, huh.  
uu: KIND OF FUCKING OBVIOUSLY DIRK. I SAVOR IT. AND SWALLOW SLOWLY, TO EXTEND THE EXPERIENCE.  
uu: FUCKING HELL. UNLESS YOU'RE CRYING. WILL YOU STOP CONVULSING LIKE THAT. IT'S PISSING ME OFF. WAS I WRONG? DID THE JUJU ACTUALLY AFFECT YOU?  
uu: OR. SINCE I'M NEVER WRONG. ARE YOU JUST BEING AN ASSHOLE DIRK.  
uu: I THINK YOU'RE JUST BEING AN ASSHOLE.  
TT: Shit, I'm so sorry. Keep going, I promise I won't interrupt anymore.  
uu: YOUR PROMISES MEAN NOTHING TO ME DIRK. JUST SO YOU KNOW.  
uu: WOULD YOU LAUGH. I WONDER. IF I RIPPED OUT YOUR CANDY FLOSS LUNGS. AND STUFFED THEM DOWN YOUR THROAT.  
TT: You know, if you keep forcing me to self-cannibalize myself like this, there won't be any left for you.  
uu: GOOD POINT. FORTUNATELY. THERE IS STILL PLENTY OF YOU TO GO AROUND.  
TT: Thank God.  
uu: YOU'RE WELCOME.  
uu: YES. ENOUGH THAT I MAY THROW MY MINIONS YOUR LICORICE GIZZARDS. THEY WOULD BE GRATEFUL FOR SUCH WORTHLESS SCRAPS. WHILE I FEAST MYSELF INTO A STUPOR ON YOUR BRIGHT ORANGE CANDY GUTS. REALLY GETTING MYSELF IN THERE. STICKY WITH ORANGE SUGAR WATER ALL THE WAY UP TO MY ELBOWS. I AM SIMPLY HAVING A BALL HERE.  
TT: You know, I'm awful pliant in all this. Surely I didn't just take it laying down? That's not really badass of you, is it? I don't know how that'd be any different from the juju affecting my mind, making me giddy and docile as you tore me apart.  
TT: Totally not my style.  
uu: YOU SAID YOU WOULDN'T INTERRUPT. BUT YES. I SUPPOSE YOU ARE A BIT LIKE A COLD FISH IN THIS SCENARIO.  
TT: I also assume I'm still immortal?  
uu: I GUESS. WHY ARE YOU ASKING.  
TT: Mind if we make this into a collab?  
uu: FUCK NO.  
TT: So you don't mind? Sweet.  
uu: DIRK. THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT. AND YOU KNOW IT. STOP TYPING.  
TT: 'Kay so what I'd do is haul my empty carcass up with what's left of my strength.  
uu: NO.  
TT: Hold your bony cheeks in my soda-blood covered hands. You'd flinch at first, but melt into it.  
uu: WHAT.  
uu: WAIT WHAT. WHAT.  
TT: I'd smirk as I bring your face close to mine.  
uu: HOLD ON. JUST HOLD ON FOR ONE FUCKING SECOND.  
TT: Then I'd take off my shades. Behind them? Smoldering candor. I run a finger down your jaw, feather light. I lean in further.  
uu: DIRK. I WILL FUCKING KILL YOU. IN REAL LIFE.  
TT: And give you the most gentle,  
uu: NO.  
TT: tender,  
uu: OH MY FUCK. NO.  
TT: sweet little butterfly kisses you could ever hope to handle.  
TT: You there, bro?  
TT: Now this is peak fucking irony.  
TT: Yo Caliborn did you short circuit or what?  
\-- undyingUmbrage [uu] is now an idle chum! --  
TT: Holy shit.  
TT: Guess you're busy then? You're welcome.  
TT: Anyways, it's been fun. Being guro-sexted by an interdimensional creep is probably the most action I've gotten recently, and will get for the forseeable future. So thanks for that.  
TT: Maybe I'm just feeling nostalgic, or desperate, but if you ever wanna rap about tearing my guts inside out or just wanna shoot the shit, hmu. I still got my drawing tablet, you know.  
TT: Still nothing? Christ.  
TT: Anyways. Peace I guess.

timaeusTestified [TT] ceased pestering undyingUmbrage [uu]

**Author's Note:**

> This is legit the first fic I've finished in literally years as well as the first one I've ever posted to AO3. This is what I choose to christen this maiden voyage into fanfiction with. How's it hanging.


End file.
